Mr. So Gross

January 7th, 2010

Whew!  Good thing I explained myself a bit in the previous entry or this would REALLY make me look insane.  Or is it too late for that?  No matter.  I'm sure your creepy date fantasies will be met after living vicariously through this "date," if it can be called that.

I thought Mr. So Gross would be super cute based on his very vague photo on the dating site (it was NOT the photo to the left which I found later).  I initiated the convo via email and this nerd kept dodging the inevitable in-person meet.  It was okay because I was busying myself with my most recent Doubleheader and the less than stellar Mr. Bad Attitude.  We began texting each other (mostly out of boredom on my part) over the course of a few weeks.   

One particularly lonely night (I was ridden with much Ex-guilt), we started up a text chat around 1:30 am.  He was trying to convince me to come to Venice for a walk on the beach.  No, Stupid, I'm not driving out there.  Especially not after several lectures from friends over recent bad decisions.  SO, the only logical thing to do is have him come to MY apartment.  After agreeing that the spontaneity of our meeting made it okay, Homeboy takes a $60 cab ride over to my house arriving at approximately 2:45 am.

FIRST IMPRESSION:  Uh oh.  Dude is soooooo weird looking!   His body is the most disproportionate one I've ever seen.  His arms are comically small for his body, he's short, and he has a surprise gut.  AND now he knows where I live.

As I let him in the front door I'm overcome with terror.  What the heck am I doing?  It's 3:00 am and I'm letting a stranger into my apartment.  Yep, sounds about right.  I go into panic mode and scan my brain for activities to bide a reasonable amount of time before feigning sleepiness and kicking him out.  I pour us both a glass of wine (I probably shouldn't keep alcohol in my house) and put on one of my favorite DVDs - a copy of a show I had been on.  No shame.  

DVD is over and just as I start yawning he kisses me.  Let me just say that it's extremely hard for me to even describe this kiss because it was the most DISGUSTING ONE that I can recall.  It's slimy.  There's some sort of film that is coating the inside of his mouth.  And his tongue!  His tongue is pointy and I wouldn't be surprised if it is split like a lizard's.  I decide to be polite and let him kiss me for a minute.  Then I tell him I'm tired.  He doesn't listen and starts making out with my neck.  I say that I think it's time for him to leave.  He says, "I took a cab, it was really expensive.  Can't I just crash on your couch?  I can call a friend for a ride in the morning."  NO!  I try to play it cool since I wouldn't want to aggravate the stranger that could kill me in my apartment and kindly point out the bus stop directly in front of my building.  More back and forth before I finally decide to look up cab companies online while he makes out with my neck.

Cab is called!  He still resists and then, the horror!  He thinks he can go down there...you know.  Um, excuse me?  Are you trying to avoid paying for a cab by doing this?!  Not gonna happen!  And he is just so gross, like I would even want that!!!  I push him away and say, "No, it's really time to leave.  I'm so tired.  We'll hang out another time.  I'll come to Venice."  All lies.  His response is, "It's all about you right now."  My skin is literally jumping off of my body from disgust.  No, no, no!  Luckily, the cab calls and is out front.  He has to go to the bathroom before he leaves and I run to open the front door (to expedite the process).  I start yelling at him, "They're going to leave!  You need to hurry up!"  He comes out of the bathroom and literally runs to my bedroom and throws himself on my bed, laughing.  I run after him and grab hold of his left foot and start pulling him off of my bed with all of my might.  I miraculously push him out of the front door and right towards the bus stop (the cab left).  I close my door on him right as he's saying, "But I don't even know where I am."  Sorry pal!  I hate you!  I proceed to deadbolt the door and consume copious amounts of mouth wash.

Date #17:  Vomit.  Also, temporary retardation on my part.