Mr. Gay Voice

December 4th, 2009

I signed up for a free online dating site on a Friday morning at 3:10 am. By noon I had a date set for that night. Pretty darn fast! Too fast probably. What do I know? Apparently, not enough.

Mr. Gay Voice was the first person to aggressively request a date and I was ready. The weird part was that we were 45% enemies according to the site. It was a point of conversation for us during the day via IM. Then I made what some of my friends consider a mistake: Gave him my phone number. Well, he asked me for it! It only made sense at the time.

So, Mr. Gay Voice made the trek from across town to meet me at a local lounge at 8:30 pm. I was walking there when he saw me from his car and yelled out of his window, "Hey, Babe in the Woods (he used my real name)!" So, naturally, I got in his car (I know) to ride with him while he found parking (or murdered me).

First Impression: He had nice eyes, but was very slight in build and somewhat feminine in his movements. He was listening to Rod Stewart in his car. Gross. He sort of had a crazy face, and by that I mean he looked like a crazy person.

I showed him my knife, which is weird, but I figured he was weirder.

We proceeded to the lounge and he insisted on taking a booth which I thought was rude since we were not a large party and it was about to get busy (hello? Friday night!). Whatever. So I made up my mind that I was NOT into him. I sat at the very edge of the circular booth and he practically pushed me off of the seat by scooting so close to me. Is that normal on a first date?

I was equally annoyed and grossed out so I downed three gin and tonics in the course of an hour...THREE! I'm a lightweight and this was not a good scene. The absolute worst part by this point in the date was Mr. Gay Voice's tendency to use a fake gay voice. Who does that? Mr. Gay Voice does. It was NOT attractive, NOT funny, NOT a turn-on. And it was completely out of nowhere, in response to nothing.

He sensed I was getting drunk and started taking liberties by putting his hand on my leg. Fresh! I excused myself to the bathroom and paced for 20 minutes wondering what to do. This was my first adult, blind date in the real world. Blahhh!

I went back and requested water. I needed to sober up. I asked for the bill and he made me pay for half! Ah, hell no! I was so annoyed, but too much of a lady to say anything. My feeling is that if women have to give birth, the LEAST you can do for a girl is buy her a drink. Geez.

He offered to drive me home and that sounded like a good idea at the time since it was absolutely freezing. He put on Boyz II Men (not ironically) and apparently ate a dozen mints when I wasn't looking. He went in for the kiss and in my state, I thought, "Eh, I'm sort of bored and making out is good practice I guess." So I made out with him. Ewwwwww!!!!! I don't know, I don't know. He suggested that we move his car if we wanted to "continue smooching" and that reminded me of how stupid he was and I excused my intoxicated self.

Date #1: Stupid.