Mr. Liar Pants

December 12th, 2009

Now I figure I'm on a roll. Why stop now? Mr. Liar Pants looked like a cutie in all of his photos and was rather witty in his email correspondence. After counsel from my guy friends, I realized that I should try to adhere to the following blind date rules:

1. Avoid anything but drinks for the first date (this prevents any prolonged awkwardness, see Mr. Astrology).

2. Have ONE drink. If things are going well, order another; if not, say you have to meet friends.

3. Limit the date to one hour, any longer is weird for a first meeting.

So, we were set to meet on a Saturday night at 7 pm for drinks at my usual lounge spot with the perfect excuse to bail: A holiday party at 8:30 pm.

First Impression: What?! He looked NOTHING like his photos. Not even his face. He was about 20 lbs heavier in person than what he looked like on his profile (which also described him as "thin"). He was short, overweight, and had some sort of smush thing going on with his face.

I ordered a beer (which I normally don't drink, and really don't like) as did he. While Mr. Liar Pants was very funny and exchanged pleasantries (turns out he's a writer for some show), I was not in the LEAST bit attracted to him and was more than happy to jet when the clock turned 8:00 and he paid the tab (phew!). Plus, I had two dates scheduled for the next day, so I was not bummed in the least.

Date #4: Whatev.

Mr. Gay Voice Followed Up

December 11th, 2009

"I texted you last week and never heard from you. I just want to be sure that it's because you've said "Forget this guy!" And not because my phone has been a piece of garbage all week and never sending or getting texts. I hate to waste things, whether it's our time or an opportunity to have fun. Maybe you just stalked me on here to re-affirm that you've had enough of me. :) I'm not one to push things. But I am one curious cat. Just not a bi-curious cat.

-Mr. Gay Voice"

Mr. Astrology Followed Up

December 10th, 2009

"aha, just like your chart suggested..or was it because I'm not driving a BMW, (this is LA after all, and I suppose I should be more sensitive to that) ;)

I had fun too and I'm sure we would have had body-shaking, hot sex! oh well

Mr. Astrology :)"

Mr. Astrology

December 8th, 2009

Are you ready? This one is a doozy. Seriously.

Mr. Astrology was nice and not too pushy via IM which is why I agreed to meet with him. We set a date for a Thursday lunch. He asked for my number, and, of course, I gave it to him. Also, what are you supposed to say when they ask? "No, I'm scared of strangers?" I'm perplexed by this whole thing.

I'm not really excited about meeting him, but decide I need to since I always end up liking grungy band boys. I need to venture out of my comfort zone! So Mr. Astrology ends up texting me the Wednesday before our big date saying his "evening just opened up" do I "want to grab a cocktail?" Based on the mess that was my first blind date with Mr. Gay Voice, I decided I should NOT be allowed near alcohol when I'm nervous (or probably just in general?). So I suggested we get pie instead. Apparently, he doesn't like pie or pie isn't good enough for Mr. Astrology, so he says we should get coffee and go shopping at the mall. Shopping? Um, okay. I'm not really sure what's normal for a date, but...I guess. He stressed that he has a 40% discount at Anthropologie and "you like dresses" (according to my profile). I later find out that he has said discount because he is listed as his roommate's domestic partner (who works at Urban Outfitters) which allows him to use it. This will make more sense later.

First Impression: He is good looking and trim, a little shorter than I am used to. Not devastatingly handsome, but decent. He was wearing a cool WWI-inspired jacket (from Urban Outfitters, which makes it not as cool).

We start with coffee (which I don't drink) and he says, "This tastes like what you're wearing" as he pushes his cup into my hands. So I take the obligatory sip and am, of course, scalded by his stupid burning hot coffee. Not nice. He bores me for a bit with some heavy philosophical movie reviews (not on the first date, please) and then suggests we head over to Anthropologie. Okay, if you didn't think this was weird before, it IS VERY WEIRD. Is he going to buy me a dress? Or am I supposed to buy myself a dress and try them on for him? I breath a sigh of relief when the store doors refuse to open.

After wandering through Gap and stalling in the men's underwear section (oh, it gets worse) we end up in Barnes & Noble because "yay" it's open until 11 pm. For the record, we started this date at 8:30 pm. Mr. Astrology happily flits from Non-Fiction to Self-Improvement and finally to the Astrology section. He quickly picks out three or four books, most of which have something to do with sex and your astrological sign. He proceeds to read aloud to me for the next hour about my sign (Sagittarius) and how it is a very sexual sign and is a perfect match for him (Gemini). I don't know much about signs, but I think those two are NOT compatible. Yes, this is partially my fault for going along with this whack date, but I'm too nice! And it's only my second blind date! While I'm drawing imaginary circles with my finger on the little kid picnic table which we are sitting at (yes, we are sitting in the children's section while he described in detail how Sag's respond best to foreplay with the thighs), he turns to me and says, "Oh, I just really have to do this!" I look up perplexed and he grabs me, like hard, and makes out with my face. This would have been hot if I liked him, but I didn't. So it was creepy in a scary molester way. I figured I would go with it and maybe have some fun kissing. Except, he was the world's worst kisser. Seriously. He opened his entire mouth the whole time and was really sloppy and gross. He also did this weird thing where he forced my head in an uncomfortable downward position as if he was pushing me to the ground with his mouth. Sick.

Needless to say, I was traumatized. I regret letting him make out with my face a few more times. I also regret listening to everything that came out of his mouth including his stories of buying a lingerie set for a future girlfriend that he didn't have and how he had sex with his ex in the dressing room of a clothing shop and it was "hot." Yeah.

I rush home, shower for two hours, then write him a Dear John email hoping we can all just forget this.

Date #3: Creepiest Date in History.

Mr. Dancer

December 6th, 2009

Okay, I don't have a photo of him because he was a sudden surprise amidst my internet dating madness. I met Mr. Dancer accidentally after a night of soul dancing (what? It's fun). One of my best guy friends (and unintentional cockblock), Mr. Friend, and I stumbled into a local pub to chat with a chum, Mr. Godfather of Disco, before last call. Our mutual friend had a friend, Mr. Dancer (is this starting to get confusing?) who happened to be a professional dance instructor. Met him briefly and excitedly asked him to come out dancing with me sometime. I really liked his faux New York accent and macho sensibilities. I'm a nerd.

Mr. Godfather of Disco then gave me Mr. Dancer's phone number and texting began. While we were trying to set up a time to "all go out dancing" we ended up scheduling a dance lesson at my apartment. What? Well, this whole thing was really weird because he thought Mr. Friend was my boyfriend, naturally, and kept referring to "you guys" when referencing our lesson. I explained to Mr. Friend that Mr. Dancer was coming over that evening for a dance lesson with just me. Apparently, to a guy, that means sex. I was aghast! Mr. Friend emphasized how I didn't even know this guy and I would be alone with him in my apartment. I didn't realize how weird I made this whole thing. What would he think if he came over and it was just me, like I trapped him or something. So, at the last minute, I decided Mr. Friend needed to stay for the lesson, furthering Mr. Dancer's assumption that we were a couple. During the lesson I realized that I REALLY like Mr. Dancer and suggested "we all go out for a drink." While I went to change my shoes, I texted Mr. Friend and told him to scram. We all headed out to a nearby lounge (the same lounge that I just went to with Mr. Gay Voice a few days prior) and Mr. Friend feigned exhaustion and excused himself. My little plan was working!

Mr. Dancer and I thoroughly enjoyed ourselves over drinks and I informed him that Mr. Friend was just a friend and whatever other nonsense I think is appropriate to say after three gin and tonics. I know! I did it again. Had a little too much to drink...then I touched his face and said "I like you!" Such a mistake on a sort-of-first date! Uggh! Then he said "I like you too. We should kiss." And then he kissed me. He paid the tab (such a gentleman) and we left and made out (A LOT) in his car.

We've texted a few times, but he has managed to dodge all attempts at in person contact. So...I guess the lesson is don't trick someone into teaching you something, get drunk, and makeout?

(Semi-) Date #2: Lame.

Mr. Gay Voice

December 4th, 2009

I signed up for a free online dating site on a Friday morning at 3:10 am. By noon I had a date set for that night. Pretty darn fast! Too fast probably. What do I know? Apparently, not enough.

Mr. Gay Voice was the first person to aggressively request a date and I was ready. The weird part was that we were 45% enemies according to the site. It was a point of conversation for us during the day via IM. Then I made what some of my friends consider a mistake: Gave him my phone number. Well, he asked me for it! It only made sense at the time.

So, Mr. Gay Voice made the trek from across town to meet me at a local lounge at 8:30 pm. I was walking there when he saw me from his car and yelled out of his window, "Hey, Babe in the Woods (he used my real name)!" So, naturally, I got in his car (I know) to ride with him while he found parking (or murdered me).

First Impression: He had nice eyes, but was very slight in build and somewhat feminine in his movements. He was listening to Rod Stewart in his car. Gross. He sort of had a crazy face, and by that I mean he looked like a crazy person.

I showed him my knife, which is weird, but I figured he was weirder.

We proceeded to the lounge and he insisted on taking a booth which I thought was rude since we were not a large party and it was about to get busy (hello? Friday night!). Whatever. So I made up my mind that I was NOT into him. I sat at the very edge of the circular booth and he practically pushed me off of the seat by scooting so close to me. Is that normal on a first date?

I was equally annoyed and grossed out so I downed three gin and tonics in the course of an hour...THREE! I'm a lightweight and this was not a good scene. The absolute worst part by this point in the date was Mr. Gay Voice's tendency to use a fake gay voice. Who does that? Mr. Gay Voice does. It was NOT attractive, NOT funny, NOT a turn-on. And it was completely out of nowhere, in response to nothing.

He sensed I was getting drunk and started taking liberties by putting his hand on my leg. Fresh! I excused myself to the bathroom and paced for 20 minutes wondering what to do. This was my first adult, blind date in the real world. Blahhh!

I went back and requested water. I needed to sober up. I asked for the bill and he made me pay for half! Ah, hell no! I was so annoyed, but too much of a lady to say anything. My feeling is that if women have to give birth, the LEAST you can do for a girl is buy her a drink. Geez.

He offered to drive me home and that sounded like a good idea at the time since it was absolutely freezing. He put on Boyz II Men (not ironically) and apparently ate a dozen mints when I wasn't looking. He went in for the kiss and in my state, I thought, "Eh, I'm sort of bored and making out is good practice I guess." So I made out with him. Ewwwwww!!!!! I don't know, I don't know. He suggested that we move his car if we wanted to "continue smooching" and that reminded me of how stupid he was and I excused my intoxicated self.

Date #1: Stupid.