Mr. Atheist - Date 3 of 4

January 21st, 2010

Let's just stop and fire the confetti canons, shall we?  This is seriously a big deal.  The first "Date #3" that came to fruition on this outrageous dating campaign I've launched.  I think I'm making progress...or learning to play the game better?  I like to think I'm just weeding through the, well, weeds.  My date with Mr. Piano only confirmed my enjoyment of Mr. Atheist's company (despite several hiccups) so we scheduled our next date:  Dinner at my apartment.

I'm super excited due to my penchant for entertaining in general.  I pull out my fancy wedding china (weird?) and set the table properly.  I'm talking separate water and wine glasses, linen napkins, the whole shebang.  I even take a little trip to the farmer's market for fresh flowers to fill little bud vases around the apartment (all of which, I'm sure, was lost on him).  I'm just finishing up the healthy enchiladas (I need to stop forcing my low fat cuisine on others) and salad when he rings the bell.  He's thoroughly impressed with my apartment, walks to my living room window and say, "You win."  I laugh nervously.  Don't get me wrong, I LOVE winning, but think it's strange that we were in some sort of competition I wasn't aware of.

We sit down to eat and here begins the personality dissection that Mr. Atheist cannot help but pursue.  I decide to tell him I'm divorced, because the first date is really not the place for this information and I can't very well continue seeing someone without them knowing this.  I mean, what 26 year old girl has a full set of Kate Spade china, enough glassware to stock a Williams Sonoma and a marble rolling pin for no reason?  Suspicion always arises.  He begins asking question after question and finally concludes, "So, you like rules and table settings and "things that are appropriate" because you never had that growing up.  That's why you got married so young!  Your parents were childlike and you desperately seek order."  Greeeaaaatttt.  Me in a nutshell.  Thanks Mr. Atheist Turned Psychologist.  He then says, "Wait, wait, wait.  Is Babe in the Woods your REAL name?"  I tell him no, it's my married name.  This confuses him to no end.  

"Well, I kept my married name because I don't want to move backwards so to speak.  It's very confusing for my identity.  I would like to be married again one day and would, of course, change my name again to my new husband's name..." 

"Not with that name you're not.  No man is going to marry you while you're walking around with your ex-husbands name."

Um.  At this point I'm really frustrated because he KNOWS I'm old-fashioned and yet he continues to try to change my entire being.  Arrghhhhhhh!!!!!!  To this day I still think about that snarky little remark, "Not with that name you're not."  I don't understand people like this.  What is going on in your tortured little black soul that makes you want to attack another's lifestyle?  The worst part is that we make out afterwards.  A lot.  I have yet to learn the difference between being mean and being honest.  My frustration wasn't really apparent to me until about a month after this date.

Date #25:  Delayed reaction.  And I'm keeping my name as is.

Mr. Piano

January 20th, 2010

Okay, I'll admit that at times I can be more than slightly delusional when it comes to dating decisions.  This is one of those times.  In the midst of seeing Mr. Atheist (we had two dates under our belts with more on the horizon) I decided I should throw in a date with someone else for posterity's sake.  I mean, I was (for some unknown reason) really starting to like him.  

I was initially interested in him because he sort of looked like the main guy from Bring It On.  Also a little Mark Ruffalo mixed in there.  Then he told me he played piano and that was just the very end.  I couldn't stop imagining our first date in a smoky lounge, him playing Jerry Lee Lewis covers and me sitting on the piano, dripping in sequins.  Did I mention that I tend to be a bit delusional?  At least I'm aware.  So ignoring the small (and completely unwarranted) ounce of guilt I had for meeting someone other than Mr. Atheist, I set a date with Mr. Piano.

First Impression:  He's late.  I'm sitting in an Italian restaurant waiting.  He walks in wearing some sort of docker-like pants, glasses, and button-down shirt.  Gives off a nerd vibe.  He has a slight tooth gap, but it doesn't really bother me.  More of a Lauren Hutton gap.  Okay, now it bothers me.

I get up to greet him and he loves my dress.  Want to know a secret?  Same exact outfit I wore on my last date with Mr. Atheist.  What?  It ain't broke.  I would also like to add that meeting for dinner was NOT my idea.  I typically do not like to commit to an activity that can last more than an hour for the first meeting.  However, my neighborhood is on his route home and he decides it's more convenient to stop and get dinner and I should join him.

Four things kill this date:

1.  First, he's a loud-talker.  Who knows, maybe he made himself deaf by playing the piano too loudly?  Whatever the reason, he speaks at an extremely annoying/embarrassing decibel level which attracts looks from other diners.  This is never a good thing for me, the serial dater, especially in my neighborhood.

2.  One of us brings up family heritage.  Normally, this is a great way to pass time.  That is until you discover that your grandfathers fought each other in WWII.  Like, were literally in the same area, on opposite sides.  Hey, my grandpa didn't want to fight!  He was captured, went temporarily blind from malnutrition and he always said, "Mussolini that sonofabitch" with tears in his eyes.  So I tell Mr. Piano that, trying to smooth things over ("Hey, they were basically on the same side!), but he just interrupts me with a harsh, "It's fine, it's fine.  It was a long time ago."  He was obviously irritated.  Sheesh.

3.  You would think mentioning that you live in Beverly Hills once would be enough.  Nope.  Not for Mr. Piano.  I'm pretty sure a good 20 minutes was dedicated to covering this topic.  Yeah, super impressed.  Especially when you say it SO LOUDLY.

4.  He takes my money.  At this point in my dating career I have not yet developed the nerve to sit still, hands folded in my lap when the bill arrives.  I politely pull out my wallet with absolutely no real intention of paying, but what does this jerk do?  Takes my money.  And dinner wasn't even my idea.  Yes, I take full responsibility for this.  Lesson learned.

Mr. Piano walks me home and I mention that I believe in the old days people would take a "constitutional" after dinner.  This is lost on him.  It then hits me that we don't have much in common and my fantasies of being a lounge singing couple are shattered.  We hug goodbye and there is no kiss to dodge.

Date #24:  Makes me like Mr. Atheist more.  Also, I miss grandpa.

Mr. Atheist - Date 2 of 4

January 18th, 2010

After a brief coffee encounter with Mr. Atheist, a second date was set.  And the way it was set warmed my old-fashioned heart.  Nothing too special, but he called me to tell me he looked up a few restaurants close to my place that seemed really nice and wanted to check with me on what time he should make a reservation.  Cuuuttee!  I love initiative and I love reservations even more.  A second date was scheduled for two nights after our first date.

I walk to the restaurant in a pair of gold 1940s wedges.  Never mind the rain, this is a fancy dinner date.  I arrive and he's still cute (sometimes two days can change that).  He compliments my dress and we look at the menu.  This is where another problem arises.  I eventually come to realize that I'm pretty sure he hates the essence of my being.  This starts to reveal itself in little ways.  Example:  The waiter asks what we would like to drink and (being that we're at an Italian restaurant) I look up at Mr. Atheist and say, "Prosecco seems appropriate, don't you think?"  He looks annoyed, but tries to cover it with a laugh and says, "Appropriate?  Who cares what's appropriate?  What do YOU want to drink?"  Alright, so I'm a little over-accommodating when I like someone.  I just think of it as hospitality, but Mr. Atheist thinks of it as a problem.  I tell him I want prosecco.  I'm pretty sure that the second date is really not the time to start pointing out what you think are someone else's flaws.  Just leave me be!

Despite this, we have a pretty good time.  He's a funny guy, edits some comedy show that I've never seen, but apparently my friends are huge fans of.  After he pays for dinner we get a drink at a Korean BBQ place.  He offers to walk me back to my front door in the drizzle and of course I agree, completely ignoring the slight tension at dinner, and really just hoping for a kiss.  I ask if he can give me a ride on his Vespa and he refuses because he only has one helmet.  Sure, rain + alcohol + 1 helmet doesn't = smart, but c'mon!  So boring.  

We stop in front of my walkway and hug goodbye.  He's chewing gum which I don't remember him offering to me.  He looks at me and says, "Can I kiss you?"  I just smile and nod my head yes.  Then, a strange thing happened.  He steps in closer, turns his head to the right and spits his gum out right in front of me before going in for the kiss.  I mean, right across my face. I thought I must be crazy because no one would ever do something like that.  Right?  This must be the prosecco causing hallucinations?!  I just go with the comfortable assumption that I imagined this and when he says, "Can I kiss you again?  Because I really want to," I let him.  

After the date, I'm in a bit of a haze.  I want to see him again.  I think.  But did he really just project some spitty thing out of his mouth?  Yes, he did.  And I let him kiss me twice. 

Date #23:  Perplexing.  Also, WHAT AM I DOING?

Mr. Atheist - Date 1 of 4

January 16th, 2010

Mr. Atheist approached me.  I was not even remotely interested in him via his profile, not to mention that we rated as a 37% match.  However, he was humorous in our communication and his persistence won me over.  Due to recent um, "poor decisions" which could mostly be linked back to alcohol consumption on my part, I decide that I should start meeting these men during the day.  This bright idea doesn't last long, but I enjoy it for a few reasons:  

1.  People always look different at night, some might say better.  Shouldn't we just get our ugly out of the way now?

2.  Alcohol.  While I enjoy day drinking (probably more than I should, but I enjoy anything unnecessary and decadent for that matter), it is much less acceptable to meet for a drink at 3 pm in the afternoon.  SOOO, we can skip the alcohol during a day meeting and go for coffee (or in my case, tea).  This allows me to think clearly.  Or as clear as my denial-brain allows me.

3.  Length.  Maybe I want to schedule a double-header.  Maybe I just want to take a really long post-date nap before dinner.  Either way, the midday date allows me more time because I can down an iced tea much faster than a Greyhound.  Actually, I can drink them at pretty much the same speed, but I'm trying to be a lady here.

4.  Kissing.  So much harder/weirder to go for that end of the date kiss after a 30 minute coffee interview.  Enough said.

We agree to meet for coffee down the street from my apartment.  As I'm walking toward the spot I see him drive up on his little Vespa.  

Side Note:  I hold a special place in my nostalgic heart for Vespas because the first guy I went "all the way home" with drove one and he took me around San Fran on it.  And that's the only memorable thing I can say about that.  Actually, that's an entry that I will save for later.

FIRST IMPRESSION:  He's cute.  He has sort of curly, wild hair, but not too long.  He's wearing a brown pullover sweater and has green eyes.

Anywho, his helmet has sparkles on it and we make eye contact.  I should point out that I end up really liking this guy so I'm sort of upset even describing this.  Whatever.  We go into the coffee joint and he doesn't pay for my iced tea.  Since this is a new dating environment for me, I can't decide whether or not to be offended.  I mean, it was only $1.50.  Just pay for it.  We sit outside and it's that really pretty time of day when the sun decides it's going to set soon.  Everything looks golden.

We chat about work, our families, exes (not usually a good idea) and laugh a bunch.  I announce that I want a cookie and he buys it for me.  This makes me happy.  Maybe after talking a bit he decides that I'm worth buying a cookie for?  All I know is that his green eyes are pretty and very distracting so I blurt that out while he's telling me something.  Rude, I know.  But, wouldn't you want to hear a compliment even if it meant being interrupted?  I sure would.  

All is going well on this date except for one little thing.  He brings up religion.  I should inform you that the dating site where we met lists one's religious stance/beliefs on your profile so a person who pays attention knows where the other stands before meeting in the flesh.  He goes on to state with clear vehemence how he is Jewish by birth but an atheist by choice.  He then says, "Oh, I forgot I'm talking to a Catholic girl."  Yes.  What of it?  Obviously, he has some sort of problem with people who believe in a higher being because he wouldn't let it go (I on the other hand do not care what the other person believes and wouldn't push ideas on anyone).  He said, "I'm going to introduce you to ideas you've never thought of.  Like, what if God doesn't exist?"  I'm no dating expert, but I'm pretty sure this is something you don't say on the first date.  This should have been a red flag.

That issue aside, we decide we enjoy each other's company and want to meet again.  No kiss (yet), but a nice little hug goodbye.  I'm excited. 

Date #22:  Pretty.  Reminded me of The Doors' song "Summer's Almost Gone."

Mr. No Manners

January 14th, 2010

Let me just get this out there:  I don't know WHAT I was thinking with this one.  No, wait, I know.  I was trying to be diplomatic.  I thought I should give him a chance since he seemed nice and was interested.  Gosh, just listening to myself makes me sick.  Is that really all it takes?  Being nice and interested?  Bleh.  And I should point out that nine of his ten profile photos were semi-geeky with him in dockers and flip flops wearing a toothy smile.  Stuffed in the middle of those pictures was this gem.  See that?  Yes, nipple piercings.  I did try to ignore this picture as it frightened me so, but, alas, I could not escape it.

We scheduled our little date at a new spot for me (whew!) so the possibility of a run-in was low.  He calls me while I'm driving to let me know he has arrived and I confess that I'm running late.  He asks if he can get me a drink while he's waiting.  Of course he can!  Now, this is a good move.  Men should ALWAYS do this.  Made me like him before I exited the car.  We should have ended the date there.

FIRST IMPRESSION:  He's sitting out on the front patio of the bar in a nice black coat.  He's tall and okay looking.  Broad-shouldered and looks like the sort of guy that would wear cologne.  I'm not offended.  Yet.

We hug lightly and he presents me with my drink.  How sweet!  I should note that at this point in my dating life it's weird for there to be a lack of a hug while first meeting because I like to pretend that we already know each other.  We dig into conversation and, again, I'm not yet offended.  He talks about working with his father, how he's from New York originally, he frequents his parents' house, and his previous long-term relationship.  Something starts to bug me.  I can't quite figure out what it is yet.  Maybe it's his slightly longer than usual finger nails.  Or the fact that he mentions "partying" more than necessary.  I soon decide that this man is uncouth.  That is exactly the word that describes him best.  Well, guido might also apply.  I end up learning that his dad's toenails are so thick and gross that his mother uses plant clippers to cut them.  He then goes on to explain his frustrating search for love and how he wants his future wife to "party" with him until they "both collapse on the bed together."  Um.  Ew.  He just can't stop spewing this sort of information for the entirety of the date.

I start to think he may be high, I mean his eyes are bloodshot and he gives a look of stern concentration whenever I open my mouth to speak.  Now, I've gone on a date accidentally inebriated, but that was once and I like to think that I wouldn't have if I knew about the date in advance, which Mr. No Manners did.  It's weird because he's really trying and I don't have anything specifically against him, except for a lifestyle preference I guess.  I decide he reminds me too much of my father to warrant another date.  He's in the construction biz, likes to party, and has coarse habits.  No, no, no.  I can only imagine his habits are worse than he lets on if only for the very fact that he would let them be known at all on a first date.

He emails me asking for another date, but I refuse.  He sends a second email just double-checking to see if I had changed my mind.  Still can't forget the toenail story, so no.

Date #21: First (and hopefully last) "On a Date With My Father" date.