February 19th, 2010
I was pulled into a date with Mr. Paranoid by his rather noir profile photo and my inner insistence that he wears ties and sports coats on a regular basis. It's true, I have yet to learn the lesson of only one photo. I really can't blame myself, I'm certainly not going to squash the unfounded feelings of hope and possibility that I still harbor, however stupid. And dangerous. Dude suggests tea, I sigh (mostly from boredom), and agree. We settle on a sidewalk cafe in my neighborhood, one that I have yet to bring a date to.
FIRST IMPRESSION: He has a smush face. He's tall, but disappoints me with a casual polo and jeans. He looks older and less handsome than his (one) photo let on, but that's nothing a charming personality can't turn around. Turns out he doesn't have that either.
No stranger to misleading photos, I shake it off and have a seat with him outside. We order tea and he eats more than one pastry. It doesn't take me long to discover he's a slow talker. I HATE slow talkers. Seriously, just spit it out already, I honestly don't even care what you're saying anyway. Is the small talk of a first date ever really that great? Turns out he's talking about me. He's very interested in my style. And not in a flattering way, but more of a curious whydoyoudresslikethat way. I really don't know how to answer his questions, so I end up talking about Elvis and how I thought I sounded just like him for a good portion of my youth. I don't think he's impressed.
He shifts often and gives the impression of being very uncomfortable at this point. He keeps looking away and I finally follow his gaze to find out what the hell is so interesting. He's completely pre-occupied with a woman across the street (not attractive by any means) who is busy taking pictures of the cafe we're sitting at. He proceeds to make a really big deal about this. He starts cussing and telling me how she should have a permit if she's taking pictures of strangers and how what she's doing is illegal.
I decide he's weird and ignore his paranoia by steering the conversation in another direction. Does he have pets? No, he doesn't. I don't either and I tell him that I'm hesitant to have a dog because I know it's going to die before me and why would I nurture and love something that I know I will have to witness die? I know! I realize what a bummersville I sound like before finishing my sentence. However, he not only heartily agrees with this (the first thing we've bonded over), but claims that is the very reason he's never been in a serious relationship. According to him, all relationships are going to end, so why be in a serious one. Um. Yeah. That's when I decide that along with religion and politics, dogs are never again to be mentioned as first date banter.
Date #33: Friendly reminder to screen better.
Love it. You're a great writer. Keep em comin'
ReplyDelete